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i can't hack it anymore. i can't fake being happy or pretending i care.

i just want it to stop. all of it.

this is not a cry for attention, nor is it a cry for help. i just need it to stop.

i'm not saying i'm killing myself, but i very much want that release. i need it. i want it to end. this depression i've endured my whole life consumes me and i just cannot take it anymore.

i've tried meds and they only work for a while then i hit a wall on them or they only exacerbate it. i've tried therapy and the few "doctors" i've had the displeasure of going to either were more interested in writing their book and one turned out to be a pedophile. i was ordered by the Paramus school system to see this person 6 months before he got caught diddling a 12 year old girl. my belief in therapists does not exist.

one day i will be strong enough to finally complete what i've tried doing several times in the past. i'm not saying i will do this today or tomorrow or even in the immediate future.

there was a Japanese marathon runner named Kokichi Tsuburaya who, after defeat at the 1964 Olympics sank into a long, profound depression, committed suicide.

his note read these seven words : "I am too tired to run any more."

that's how i've been feeling for a very long time.

as i had earlier said, it won't be today, won't be tomorrow, but i want it. i really do.

this is not a cry for help or is it a ploy for attention. you may be wondering "then why post it publically on LJ?" i just want you all to know what's been in my head for a long time, so that if/when the time actually comes, you'll understand.

please understand, i don't open up and share my thoughts or feeling anymore. please do not treat this as a joke or a cheap grab for attention. i just cannot fucking handle it anymore.

i wake up every day feeling broken and defeated. i haven't had real steady work in a long time. i gave up on looking. i barely leave the house anymore. i just don't care anymore. i barely pay attention to my appearance anymore, no one will see it anyway. friendships are all but non-existent. i know i'm mostly to blame for that. i just don't have the drive to leave or hang out anymore. love life/relationships are a fucking joke. the only one that ever came close to being "right" is long ago and far away now.

i know it's pathetic that i've elected to use a public forum like this to get my feelings out. and i know i am setting myself up for ridicule and humiliation and plenty of backtalking at my expense. i expect it. i anticipate it. i almost even welcome it since karma will take care of them (and you know it will, you cocksuckers). what i dread is fake sincerity. you're much worse than catty little gossipmongers (and you know who you are).

i hope you have a better understanding now. i just cannot run anymore.
i've been pretty happy lately. its kind of weird and uncomfortable. i'm usually the one who's more happier to be miserable, but things have been pretty decent recently.

for example, i've been seeing Jen from the NYC cast for a short while now and last week we made it official. she had changed her relationship status on facebook to "in a relationship" with me JUST to dare me to admit it to everyone that i really do like her and want to be somewhat more serious about her. i do, so i did. she won. all of this occured right after con casting announcements were made, so it led to a lot of weird questions from people on there about the timing of us being "official".

i really do like her a lot and it's been a long time since i've felt like this towards anyone. w0rd.

which brings me to Becky. Becky and i have always been close since we officially broke up but never really got each other out of our systems. i've been wanting to be back with her since we broke up but i guess i was Chasing Amy to a degree. i now know i cherish the closeness her and i have always had and never want to lose that but now i am ok with it being strictly platonic. THAT is unusual for me. Sunday, i trekked back to Bethlehem PA to meet up with her and then we trudged back to Jersey to see Stone Temple Pilots at PNC. it was nice to see her and not have it be sexual or tense or awkward. it turns out we can just be platonic and have it be ok. i know she was able to do that, but it was me more than her who held on to those old feelings. i'm happy to have Becky around in my life any capacity i can have her and really think i can let go and enjoy what i'm beginning to build with Jen.

the concert was kinda meh. i've always liked STP and haven't seen them live since 2000, so i was happy to see them once again. the show was kind of ruined by them focusing heavily on their new album's material. the recent album kind of sucks pretty hard. they did, however, play some of their more obscure non-single songs, like Heaven & Hot Rods and Pretty Penny. i've never seen them play Pretty Penny live before.

and then there's con. SinsCon. i really cannot wait to go. its going to be nice to get farther from Jersey than PA or NYC. i'm looking forward to seeing everyone again and meeting so many people i've only met on here or facebook. i promise to be less mopey or angry than i was at AC08 or LarryCon. unlike my time at LarryCon, i can actually party and not have to go home each night to take care of my dog. hard to do that from California. i'll be there with Jen who also had a somewhat miserable time at AC08, and we're both pretty happy together, so i have faith we'll both have a smashing good time.

i'm also happy about how Home of Happiness is represented in this con's casting. quite a few of them have been casted. i'm so proud of each of them! aaaaaand for some reason, casting committee decided to choose me as Riff for Time Warp. thank you casting peoples. i'm thrilled and honored to have been selected and quite scared shitless at the same time. having seen the theater's GORGEOUS pics and realizing how every move i'm going to make onstage will be scrutinized by all, gives me that touch of stage fright i still get occasionally. it hardly ever happens at our normal shows, just at larger shows. AC08 was my first con which also made it my first con performance. it was intimidating and very hard for me to perform. i need to find a way (without chemicals this time) to turn the stage fright into something positive. hard to believe its been 35 years of Rocky Horror on screens. the movie's as old as i am. kooky. Shock Treatment should prove to be fun as always. i got cast for the third time as Vance the cop and my albatross will be Bradwinkle Moose for the third time! i'm working on making my Vance costume look real good for this show as i kind of want it to be my last time playing Vance. my hope is to be prepared and have a damn good Cosmo costume by the time 4711 happens. i envy Jeff Baker's costume. his is what i aspire to have.

another thing i've been debating about is what to do with my goatee for con. i made this latex appliance to cover up the hair and it looks ok. i really don't want to shave my goatee off. it took years to grow it this long just to shave it off for a one night thing, so i had this idea..

i don't think anyone will really go for it since we're all pretty much broke, but i was thinking about aucitioning/raffling off the opportunity to snip the goatee off then take an electric buzzer to buzz it down to stubble in front of everyone. with my luck, watch it be like 7 dollars as the highest bid. i'd be pissed. ok, scratch the whole idea.

Aug. 4th, 2010

i've come to realize that my oldest friends and i just don't seem to have anything in common anymore.

kinda sad.

all those great years of friendship just fizzling away.

it's a shame.
from the way things are shaping up, it looks like i may not be making it to SinsCon after all.

it hurts to say that.

no pennsic and now no con.
hi LiveJournal,

sorry i've been neglecting you.

i've missed you.

keep in touch,


something that makes me happy

winter of '93.

mayor of halloweentown snowman.

labor of love.

gotta upload more pics.

performing scenes from Rocky Horror in front of Susan Sarandon...

pretty fucking awesome.

Oct. 28th, 2009

i wasn't going to write a blog regarding the blu-ray audition. i still really don't want to.

i will say this much, it was nice to have seen a lot of familiar faces and meet some new ones.

shaved my moustache for the thing. first time i've seen that patch above my upper lip since '93.

not getting the call hurt.

a lot.

being at the show after not getting the call was also a BAD idea. totally not where i wanted to be or should have been.

i'm not really looking forward to this weekend's shows now either. whatever passion i had for performing in Rocky Horror is all but gone.

at least one good thing has come along. monday night i went to see the band Far.

i've seen their singer Jonah a gazillion times in a gazillion guises, but never thought i'd ever have the chance to see Far considering they broke up in '98/'99.

last fall, they had a mini reunion and recorded a new song (a cover of Pony by Ginuwine). they're officially back together and doing a small venue tour before their NEW album comes out!!!!

onstage, Jonah's one of the happiest, smiley-est people you'd ever see, but i've never seen him beam like i did at this show. they played nearly every song i've ever wanted them to play (i'm not complaining they didn't play Punchdrunk since they had it on their setlist and replaced it with All Go Down!).

so worth the 10/11 year wait to see them.

and if you're going to comment on this blog, if you want to talk about the audition, please don't. talk about Far instead :)

i rarely do memes...but hey

If you are reading this, even if we don't chat that often, please comment one single unique word that would describe me, according to you.

Once done, copy this paragraph, as i did, to your LJ.

You might be surprised to read the responses received.